My Air Conditioner Condition: Finale

There is moment in certain people’s lives when they see a miracle from God Himself and it changes their lives forever. For Moses it was the burning bush. For Saul it was the road to Emmaus. For me it was my living room for today I bought a new air conditioner. And when I say “I”… I mean “my wife.”  She is stronger than she looks.

My wife and I going to a Super Bowl party.  She is like a pack mule that one.

As I was wondering what all the extra parts were for after the installation I decided to turn the unit on. Immediately the cool air blew over my face I saw a bright light come from behind the air conditioner. Then a white dove descended down from heaven and landed on the air conditioner unit with an olive branch grasped delicately in its mouth and I heard a voice from heaven say, “It is good.”

Needless to say I was quite suprised.

I stood there in awe while the cool gentle wind blew through my hair (back hair of course… I’m bald) amazed at the wonder sign I had been shown. It seems like I have been waiting for months for this unit and finally it's here. It truly is a glorious occasion.

Of course I am not as excited as Hillary is.

Of course my wife tells a different story. She says the sun setting in the window behind the air conditioner blinded me when I opened the faux wood blinds and apparently while I was blinded my St. Bernard came up to investigate the cool breeze and had a small weed stuck to the drool on his face. This is the moment my wife walked in, saw the unit was on and said, “Does it feel good?”

Thats a good story honey.

Likely story! As if anyone is going to believe her story.

My Air Conditioner Condition: Day 5

As I arrived home yesterday from a hard days work, with my back still sore from lifting the giant air conditioner unit into the car earlier, my wife informed me that she decided not to take it to the repair man. She then explained to me that she only wanted me to load it up just in case she wanted to take it while I was at work. This was about the time my youngest child walked by and stripped over my jaw that had hit the ground.

My jaw dropped like the first time I saw uncle Lenard in his swim trunks.

There are many things I have learned over the years of being married. One of the more important bits of information is that woman have this things called “Woman Logic.” At first, to a man, this logic does not seem like logic at all. But to women it makes perfect sense.

Logic is a tricky thing to master.

To a man, one would only load up a large piece of machinery, for an example an air conditioner, if said piece of machinery was to go somewhere for an explicit reason. There is a purpose for the action.  That's logic. The machinery would never be moved unless there was a specific purpose for the movement. Action: Get off couch and stop watching the game. Reason: There is a fire… on the couch.  See?  Logic!

Ok, I'm just kidding.  I wouldn't move for that.

To a woman there does not have to be a need in order to move the large heavy object. The woman knows that she will be out and about during the day and there could be a chance where she gets lost and ends up at an air conditioner repair store so the woman feels the need to be prepared for just such an occasion.  It does not matter that there may only be a one in four hundred chance that she will be anywhere near the repair shop.  This is why the average women has more shoes than England has dentists... just in case.

"Luckily I have my feathers numbered for just such an occasion."

Tomorrow I’m going to load up our 200 pound St. Bernard into her car before I go to work just in case she wants to get him groomed.

He loves going for a drive.

My Air Contitioning Condition: Day 4

The day had arrived for me to finally take out the air conditioner from the window and place it in the trunk of my wife’s Honda Accord as she will be taking it to the repair shop. I planned my pathway by arranging the furniture and opening the front door as my wife opened up the trunk of her vehicle. This, as it would appear, did not make much of a difference.

This tripping hazard sign is FABULOUS!

As soon as I lifted up the unit, that quite possibly weighs as much as a small import car, I quickly found my dog trying desperately to investigate the situation. As I was kicking him away I dropped the cord and stepped on it only adding to the weight of the unit and throwing off my equilibrium. I made it to the front door and down the walkway to the car all the way trying to make a mental note to fix the new dents in the walls. This was particularly disappointing as I just repaired the holes from moving the unit into the house only days before.

I challenge anyone to find where the hole is.

As I stood holding the behemoth I noticed that my wife had opened the trunk but did not clean it out at all. Forced to rest the air conditioning unit on the edge of the trunk, balanced by my leg and one hand, I unloaded the entire trunk with one hand. Thanks honey!

Sure, it fits right there between the Doritos and the farm fresh eggs.

I closed the trunk of the car and returned inside the house. I advised my wife that if the repairman inquires about the condition of the unit she should admit to him she tried to fix it to no avail. As she gave me a blank stare I was forced to remind her that casting blame will not fix the unit. We need to focus on the future, not the past.

My wife is a gentle, delicate rose.

I quickly left for work.

My Air Conditioner Condition: Day 3

I have learned that I no longer fond of my children to sitting on my lap without an air conditioner. They walk up and sit down and immediately any place where there is contact starts get wet. I am hoping it is sweat as apposed to the alternative… wetting of pants. If the air conditioner does not get fixed soon I may end up paying quite a bit for therapy when the boys get older. I can hear it now, “Daddy never held me when I was little. He said I was too sweaty.”

My future children.

In the middle of the night I feel my wife’s leg move over and touch mine and I move away. Then she moves it again to touch mine… and the cycle continues until I am at the edge of the bed and the choice is that I let her heat producing leg touch mine or I lay on the floor with the dog. It wouldn’t be so dreadful but that woman is like a Bunsen burner when she sleeps. The dog was trouble the first night, but he was much better last night.

I don't know why this line never worked for me in college.

Sweat is coming from places I didn’t know could sweat. It is a very uncomfortable situation I must say. There is nothing like getting up for a drink and having your thighs make a squish-squish noise.

I have taken to just wearing shorts around the house as it is much too blistering for a shirt. The only difficulty comes when I sit on the couch all the dog’s hair sticks to my sweaty back and legs. I really need to train the dog not to sleep on the couch when we are gone.

Here is the neighbor boy after he saw me when I got off the couch.

When I walked out to get the mail the neighborhood children ran off crying. According to the police report there was mention of a half shaved Yeti.

My Air Conditioner Condition: Day 2

I can now relate to the Bedouin nomads who wandered the desert of the Arabian Peninsula and even the Tuareg tribes in the vast Sahara desert. I now understand the plight their people through the centuries as they endured in the scorching heat day after day desperately seeking shade and protection from the angry sun.

So far it is no where near as excruciating as the movie.

The heat is more than any one man should ever have to endure. I feel it in my bones. I am like the rich man in the Bible begging Abraham to send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool his tongue, for I am tormented by this heat.

This man says my house responsible for hundreds of glaciers melting.

Life without an air conditioner is not a pleasant experience, I have discovered. I recently looked at the thermostat and it read 85 degrees. The heat must have had effected the electronics inside of it for I know it is somewhere above 100 degrees inside my house. As I look across the room I can see the floor is waving due to the intense heat. I think I see a mirage somewhere off in the distance… down the hall.

I found this in my living room.  I hope it isn't my dog.

I have not seen my wife in hours. I believe she may be on the other side of the house, but the heat is preventing me from making the long journey. I pray for her safety and hope she took enough water to make it back to the living room.

I may need to send a camel looking for her down the hall.

We shall be reunited. Just stay alive, honey! I will find you! I will find you! Well… maybe when it gets cooler.

My Air Conditioner Condition: Day 1

I arrived home and walked into my humble abode and noticed that the candles on the end table were melting despite the fact that they were not lit. After a short period of investigation I concluded that it was a tad warm inside the house and I needed to bring out the air conditioner.

The first clue on the way to discovery.

After a few hours the air conditioner was set nicely in the window and I was sitting on the couch with an icepack on my back making notes of all the new gashes in the walls. As I sat there pondering why the unit ran so quietly this year I began to believe that it may not be working at all. After close inspection I discovered I was indeed correct.

My wife will never notice.  It will buff right out.

Once I realized the unit was no longer operational I did what any capable man would do, I sprang into action. Upon returning to the room with my box of tools I went to work. One would be amazed on difficult the manufacturers make air conditioners to take a part. Not being one who is easily defeated I forged ahead.

I shall forge ahead!  Unfortunately this guy will too.

With the help of my drill and hacksaw I was able to successfully remove the air conditioning cover, despite the many warning labels strategically placed to trick me into thinking I could not fix the unit myself, and look inside. After a few minutes of wiggling gears and circuits, tightening screws and banging on the side I closed up the unit cover with the help of duct tape. Surprisingly the cover did not fit as well as it used to. As I pushed the power button I was slightly taken aback that nothing happened.

Free babysitting.  There is nothing duct tape cannot do.

I sat on the couch starring at the unit as I knew it was looking back at me with a smug look on its vents. I could not take the mocking any longer so I did was any capable man would do… I left the room.