An Unpleasant Surprise

During college I paid the bills by working at the “Happiest Place on Earth”, otherwise known as Disneyland.

One evening I received a call from the Matterhorn attraction that there was a male in a hot pink miniskirt wearing nothing underneath. How did they know, you may be asking yourself? Because upon sitting in a Matterhorn bobsled you must spread your legs to allow another person to sit between them as you ride tandem. This allowed for a rather unpleasant view for all those waiting in line.

Oh the humanity!

As I arrived at I saw two males, one dressed in the hot pink miniskirt in question, and a rather striking female that was accompanying them. Pink miniskirt was a taller than average male with an excess of body hair. Now, when I say excess I am not talking about your run of the mill excess, I mean Enron CEO bonus excess. It was like walking up to a gorilla in drag accompanied by his two handlers.

Does this skirt hide my love handles Morty?

I walked up to Pink Miniskirt and advised him that he had to have underwear on if he wanted to continue his evening in the park. He then proceeded to inform me that he did not have any underwear on his person, but did have a pair of pink hot pants in his purse. What kind of logic is this? “I’m going to a place full of small children and families, what should I bring? Underwear? No. Pink hot pants? YES!”

May God have mercy on the stupid.

Of course I couldn’t help but picture this Sasquatch in hot pants and spent the next few moments furiously trying to scrub my minds eye out. When I regained my composure, I asked him to follow me to the nearest restroom where he could change. When I arrived at the men’s restroom I checked to make sure no one was inside and told him he could go in.

This would have been useful in this particular situation.

Pink miniskirt went into the restroom followed by his male companion but then the female tried to go in as well. I put my arm out and told her that she was not allowed in. It was then that this beautiful woman turned to me and in a deep baritone voice said, “Why not?” 

This is the lead singer for Tokio Hotel.  His name is Bill.

I don’t remember anything after that. I all I heard in my head was “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” (at least I hope it was in my head) followed by a trip to the break room to call my then girlfriend, now my wife, to reaffirm my manhood. Reality as I knew it, where men looked like men, collapsed around like a fat man crossing the finish line at 1k fun run. It felt like a scene out of the Crying Game but no one was yelling “CUT!

To this day I still flinch when I see a hot pink miniskirt.

My Air Conditioner Condition: Day 5

As I arrived home yesterday from a hard days work, with my back still sore from lifting the giant air conditioner unit into the car earlier, my wife informed me that she decided not to take it to the repair man. She then explained to me that she only wanted me to load it up just in case she wanted to take it while I was at work. This was about the time my youngest child walked by and stripped over my jaw that had hit the ground.

My jaw dropped like the first time I saw uncle Lenard in his swim trunks.

There are many things I have learned over the years of being married. One of the more important bits of information is that woman have this things called “Woman Logic.” At first, to a man, this logic does not seem like logic at all. But to women it makes perfect sense.

Logic is a tricky thing to master.

To a man, one would only load up a large piece of machinery, for an example an air conditioner, if said piece of machinery was to go somewhere for an explicit reason. There is a purpose for the action.  That's logic. The machinery would never be moved unless there was a specific purpose for the movement. Action: Get off couch and stop watching the game. Reason: There is a fire… on the couch.  See?  Logic!

Ok, I'm just kidding.  I wouldn't move for that.

To a woman there does not have to be a need in order to move the large heavy object. The woman knows that she will be out and about during the day and there could be a chance where she gets lost and ends up at an air conditioner repair store so the woman feels the need to be prepared for just such an occasion.  It does not matter that there may only be a one in four hundred chance that she will be anywhere near the repair shop.  This is why the average women has more shoes than England has dentists... just in case.

"Luckily I have my feathers numbered for just such an occasion."

Tomorrow I’m going to load up our 200 pound St. Bernard into her car before I go to work just in case she wants to get him groomed.

He loves going for a drive.