Zero to Hero and Back Again

I have experienced many humiliating moments in my lifetime. So much so that not much embarrassment can penetrate the thick, leathery wall that hides what is left of my soul. One especially mortifying experience is feeling the exuberance of being a hero and to have the moment stripped away leaving only the sting of humiliation as you stand in front of the crowd. I liken it to Superman flying through a window of a burning skyscraper to save a baby that a mother on that street has been screaming is left inside. Moments later he reappears smiling and waving at the crowd until everyone realized that the only thing he rescued was a Baby Wets-a-lot doll. Poor Superman.

Speaking of embarrassment.  Poor high school drop outs.

This is the very ordeal that I endured one day when I was working at Disneyland. As many of you know I worked my way through college by working at “The Happiest Place on Earth” and spend many a day walking around the Park making sure everything was going smoothly. If you have ever visited the Park you know that there are parades that run through the center of it at various times during the day in which thousands of excited people line up with their kids to get a good look. It was during this time, as the masses gathered to watch the Hercules parade, which my rise from zero to hero occurred.

It's the Happiest Place on Earth!

I received a call on my radio that there was a fire in a trashcan. This was a common occurrence because smokers often times forget that a cigarette burns and when you place a burning object into a container full of paper it will start on fire. Difficult concept, I know. By the time I arrived at the trashcan smoke was billowing out of it. I quickly opened the side of the trashcan, pulled out the plastic receptacle and through the smoke I put my leg inside and started stomping. After a few moments the smoke stopped and thunderous applause started. Everyone around praised my quick reaction and I heard, “Nice job!” and “My hero!” all around me. I smiled and nodded as if to say, “All in a day’s work.”

And for the sake of my newly polished shoes don't throw them in poopie diapers.

On a side note I learned to not use a fire extinguisher on trashcan fires a few months before. In that case I pulled out the trash receptacle and blasted the smoke with a full tank of fire retardant only to turn around to a fire fighter holding a Dixie cup of water. He shook his head and walked off muttering something about having to refill the extinguisher.

In case of fire hide in this corner.

Anyway, back to the story. As I was nodding and waving to the crowd I took my leg out of the smoldering bin. It was then I heard the cheers turn to laughter. I quickly looked down to see my finely polished shoe, and stuck to my finely shoe was a half burned poopie Snug-Fit Huggies diaper. Yes, when the cigarette fell into the trashcan it ignited a poopie diaper which I quickly stamped out. The crowd, who just moments ago where chanting my praise, was now pointing and laughing as I desperately tried to shake off the surprisingly sticky diaper.

I'm a hero!  Yes!  Wait... what?

It was then, walking back to the locker room with every other step making a squish sound, I realized that my hero status had disappeared quicker than a Krispy Kreme donut in my hand on Sunday morning. I now realize that short of wetting myself in front of hundreds of people there really isn’t much that will embarrass me. This will really come in handy when I drop my future teenagers off in front of their high school while blaring show tunes.

An Unpleasant Surprise

During college I paid the bills by working at the “Happiest Place on Earth”, otherwise known as Disneyland.

One evening I received a call from the Matterhorn attraction that there was a male in a hot pink miniskirt wearing nothing underneath. How did they know, you may be asking yourself? Because upon sitting in a Matterhorn bobsled you must spread your legs to allow another person to sit between them as you ride tandem. This allowed for a rather unpleasant view for all those waiting in line.

Oh the humanity!

As I arrived at I saw two males, one dressed in the hot pink miniskirt in question, and a rather striking female that was accompanying them. Pink miniskirt was a taller than average male with an excess of body hair. Now, when I say excess I am not talking about your run of the mill excess, I mean Enron CEO bonus excess. It was like walking up to a gorilla in drag accompanied by his two handlers.

Does this skirt hide my love handles Morty?

I walked up to Pink Miniskirt and advised him that he had to have underwear on if he wanted to continue his evening in the park. He then proceeded to inform me that he did not have any underwear on his person, but did have a pair of pink hot pants in his purse. What kind of logic is this? “I’m going to a place full of small children and families, what should I bring? Underwear? No. Pink hot pants? YES!”

May God have mercy on the stupid.

Of course I couldn’t help but picture this Sasquatch in hot pants and spent the next few moments furiously trying to scrub my minds eye out. When I regained my composure, I asked him to follow me to the nearest restroom where he could change. When I arrived at the men’s restroom I checked to make sure no one was inside and told him he could go in.

This would have been useful in this particular situation.

Pink miniskirt went into the restroom followed by his male companion but then the female tried to go in as well. I put my arm out and told her that she was not allowed in. It was then that this beautiful woman turned to me and in a deep baritone voice said, “Why not?” 

This is the lead singer for Tokio Hotel.  His name is Bill.

I don’t remember anything after that. I all I heard in my head was “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” (at least I hope it was in my head) followed by a trip to the break room to call my then girlfriend, now my wife, to reaffirm my manhood. Reality as I knew it, where men looked like men, collapsed around like a fat man crossing the finish line at 1k fun run. It felt like a scene out of the Crying Game but no one was yelling “CUT!

To this day I still flinch when I see a hot pink miniskirt.