Anti-Baldites

As a follically challenged male I have often pondered the oppression of my people. We are mocked, laughed at and openly shunned from society.  Why God? Why?!  Why did you part my hair like the red sea?

Hollywood oppresses my people at every turn. I can use the fingers on one hand to count how many bald or balding movie stars there have ever been who were not playing a dying cancer patient. Now after saying that there are plenty of character actors (supporting actors) that have out grown their hair because Hollywood seems to think my people make great bumbling fools for the lead actor to make fun of. Ever notice the guy in the commercials that doesn’t know that Brand A is better than Brand B inevitably will have less hair than the smart guy who does know?

Pop Quiz: Guess which guy is the lead actor and which one is the goofy sidekick?

The female population is another oppressive organization, although they rarely admit it.  Look at the face of a woman immediately upon laying eyes on her balding blind date.  It is quite funny. Well, as long as you're not the balding blind date guy.  That guy will probably go cry himself to sleep as he holds a picture of Gerard Butler wondering why God cursed him.  I once had a girl I was on a date with interrupt me in mid sentence to say, “Wow! You’re really starting to get thin up there!” Her phone must have been broken after that because she never answered when I called.  She later married a man with full stalinesque hair who, within five years of getting married, proceeded to lose it all.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't laughing maniacally as I wrote this.

I often wonder how such a horrible man could have
such a lush garden of hair.

This understanding that men who have uncombable hair on their heads should somehow be ostracized from society is nothing new. I recently read in the Bible in the book of Leviticus where God explains to Moses “A man who has lost his hair and is bald is clean. If he has lost his hair from the front of his scalp and has a bald forehead, he is clean.” Basically God has to explain to the Israelites that a man who has lost his hair is not a leper and should not be sent out of the camp while everyone points at him yelling, “Unclean!” I wonder if this arose because someone in the camp pointed to the bald guy and said to Moses, “What about Merkowitz over there? If that contagious?” The final insult is that Moses sandwiches this passage in between instructions for leprosy and mildew. We are sooooo going to have a talk about this when I get to heaven Moses.

Way to go buddy.  No one will every know.

The people in the white coats tell me that the cause of baldness in males is testosterone (the “man hormone”). Essentially it converted to dihydrotestosterone (DHT) by an enzyme called 5-alpha reductase. DHT is a powerful sex hormone and a body and facial hair growth promoter that can adversely affect the prostate as well as the hair located on the head. Now you have a bald, extremely hairy sex machine that has trouble urinating. Eat your heart out ladies. Basically God made the Baldites so manly that their manliness pushes out their own hair on their head. 



I submit exhibit A.

My people pray for God to send a Moses-like figure to come out of the wilderness and deliver them from their suffering. I can see it now. A man in a leisure suit and sporting a comb over walks up to Tom Selleck, he has to be the leader of the follically gifted, stretches out his hands and yells, “Let my bald people go… to the barber and not have to pay full price!”  I mean come on we have less hair!  Why make us pay the same?!  We are a simple people.  We don’t ask for much.

You Have Talent

What do Lady Gaga, Dolph Lundgren, Katy Perry and you have in common? No, this isn’t the start to a bad joke. They all have some thing specific in common.  Let’s take a look at each of these people and discover what why each of these people are sadly alike.

Apparently this is Lady Gaga as some kind of soggy mirrored gladiator.

To say that Lady Gaga is just a singer/song writer is to say that the Buckingham Palace is just a house. She is the biggest singing sensation to hit the world in quite sometime and if you have not heard of her you most likely have been spending quite a bit of time living in a cave feeding off small rodents. She has been awarded 85 international awards, including Grammys, AMA’s and Teen Choice awards, in the two years she has been in the public eye. Gaga, born with the good Italian name of Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, learned to play the piano at age 4 and wrote her first ballet by the ripe old age of 13. When I was 13 I was still potty training. She was even accepted into Juilliard but instead decided to attend another school that is arguably just as exclusive. Like her music or not, one has to admit that she is extremely talented.

Countless muppets lost their lives in the making of Lady Gaga's outfit.

Let us look at the other side of the celebrity spectrum. Dolph Lundgren is a Swedish born actor/director best known for his role as huge Russian boxer Ivan Drago in Rocky IV. Since then he has gone on to act in 38 other action movies and directed 5 others, many of these movies went straight to video/DVD. Currently his career has been kick started by costarring in the summer hit The Expendables with Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, and Mickey Rourke. What is interesting about Lundgren is not his horrible acting/directing career, because quite frankly he should have retired after Rocky IV. What is interesting is that Lundgren is that he speaks seven languages, holds a 3rd degree black belt in Kyokushin, holds a masters degree in chemical engineering, and even received a Fullbright Scholarship to MIT. For someone who plays a dumb brute in most of his extremely unpopular action movies this man is brilliant.

My body looks like that... under all my fat.

Back on the other side of the celebrity spectrum, we have Katy Perry. This singer/songwriter’s last album sold over 1.2 million copies in the US and went platinum or double platinum in 9 countries and gold in 8. Not to mention she also was voted the hottest woman alive by Maxim magazine, which by the way obviously did not look very hard or they would have picked my wife. I’m not saying that being voted hottest woman alive is a talent, but writing an album that is that successful has to take a little talent.

Ms. Perry playing, what appears to be, a real life Candyland game.

All three of these people have talents that are very apparent but the sad part is that none of them currently use those talents for what they were intended for. According to the book of John in the Bible, “A man can receive only what is given him from heaven.” All of our various talents, whether it is singing, acting, writing or even if you can floss your nose with a small snake, they all came as a gift from God Himself.

I really feel sorry for the poor snake that now has snot all over him.

Lady Gaga was obviously given a great musical ability and the ability to put on a great show. She even grew up in the Catholic Church. Today she is using her God given abilities to represent everything that is hedonism. Lundgren was given a great intellect for understanding languages and logic. Today he is making B-Rated movies. Katy Perry grew up with a pastor as a father and she even released a Christian album under her real name Katy Hudson. Today she has used her talents to become a pop sensation and a sex symbol for young boys every where. Her dad must be so proud. These three have gained the entire world at the expense of their eternal souls.

Here is Katy Hudson singing as a Christian artist.

In Matthew 25:14-30 Jesus tells a parable of a master that gave three of his servants a gift and left on a journey. When he returned the first two servants came to him and had used their gifts as the master intended, but the last servant took his gift and hid it in the ground so when the master came back from his trip the gift would not have been lost. The master rewarded the first two servants but to the last he took his gift and said, “You wicked, lazy servant!” and sent him away to be punished. God gives us gifts and talents to use for His glory not to bury away or to use for our own good.

Don't be a lazy servant...

Do you have anything in common with these three people? Do you use your God given talents for what God intended it to be used for or do you hide it away in the ground? Maybe you are using what God gave you for your own glory and not what was intended by the gift. Are you the servant that is using his gift as the Master intended or are you the servant who wasting his gift? The Master is returning soon. Examine yourself.

Brain Dead

By the year AD 2578 we all will be brain dead. Let me explain.

A few points must be stated first in order to put this puzzle together. The first is that we must accept that the Bible is correct (II Timothy 3:16). For non-Christians, and sadly for some Christians, this may be a big one.  In doing so we can put together all the important events, dates and ages of people mentioned and come up with an actual year of Adam’s birth. Depending on who is doing the investigating most researchers come up with a date between 4000 BC and 4100 BC.

Of course you can always believe that the Bible is completely false... Good luck with that.

The second point is that man was created in God’s own image (Genesis 1:27). Adam, being the first man, was physically the most perfect man ever because after Adam and Eve sin entered the world.. He was created in perfect health and to quite possibly to never die (Romans 5:12)… he must have looked nothing like me I would imagine.  Adam was created before there were any diseases, birth defects, DNA mutations and a plethora of other illnesses that could degrade the human body. Adam and Eve were the only humans that were physically the exact way God designed humans.  This leads me to believe that Adam most likely was able to use entire brain to the utmost of God’s design. To state it plainly, Adam must have been brilliant.

Ok... maybe not brilliant.

Since Adam was created physically perfect his DNA must have been also perfect. DNA now in 2010 is imperfect. All someone has to do is look at all the genetic disorders to see that DNA is not what it used to be. We can hardly get people to live over a hundred now if they’re lucky. It is so badly degraded that if the population isn’t big enough or the distance in the family tree isn’t great enough birth defects start to appear. Today if you took two people and started a new population with their children and their children’s children after a few generations there would be some major genetic abnormalities. This was never the case in Adam’s time. Adam’s children ended up marrying their sisters and his grand children married their sisters or first cousins. Gross and disgusting, yes, but it worked.

Inbreeding... Just say NO.

According to Albert Einstein, circa 1920, the average person only uses around 10% of their brain and if they could use the other 90% “they could become savants who remember π to the twenty-thousandth decimal place.”  Now today many neurologists would disagree with Einstein as many believe today that we use all of our brain, but not at the same time. Of course these are the same scientists that brought us the grand Theory of Evolution so take it with a grain of salt.

This is photographic evidence that we are not evolving but in fact getting dumber.

So using simple math we can see that around 4000 BC to 4100 BC man’s brain was humming at full power and now, if we believe Einstein, we are only firing on 10% power. With that knowledge we can extrapolate the brain decline out and discover that at the earliest we could be down to 0% brain power by the year AD 2578.

How much brain power do you have left?

Now that is assuming we can still operate at anything lower than 5% brain power. I imagine that around that time we will lose the power to tie our shoes. At around 4% brain power we will be saying things like, “Ogg like rock” and “Me like girl.” When we get down to around 3% we may just be drooling on ourselves. I can’t imagine we will be able to breed after that, although if I know us men… we will figure it out.

Your brain in 200 years, "I'm givin' her all she got! She can't take no more!"

This means that my great, great, great, great, great, great grandchildren will be morons. So as I see it Jesus better come back within the next two hundred years or we may have deteriorated so much that there may not be anything to come back to.

My Air Conditioner Condition: Finale

There is moment in certain people’s lives when they see a miracle from God Himself and it changes their lives forever. For Moses it was the burning bush. For Saul it was the road to Emmaus. For me it was my living room for today I bought a new air conditioner. And when I say “I”… I mean “my wife.”  She is stronger than she looks.

My wife and I going to a Super Bowl party.  She is like a pack mule that one.

As I was wondering what all the extra parts were for after the installation I decided to turn the unit on. Immediately the cool air blew over my face I saw a bright light come from behind the air conditioner. Then a white dove descended down from heaven and landed on the air conditioner unit with an olive branch grasped delicately in its mouth and I heard a voice from heaven say, “It is good.”

Needless to say I was quite suprised.

I stood there in awe while the cool gentle wind blew through my hair (back hair of course… I’m bald) amazed at the wonder sign I had been shown. It seems like I have been waiting for months for this unit and finally it's here. It truly is a glorious occasion.

Of course I am not as excited as Hillary is.

Of course my wife tells a different story. She says the sun setting in the window behind the air conditioner blinded me when I opened the faux wood blinds and apparently while I was blinded my St. Bernard came up to investigate the cool breeze and had a small weed stuck to the drool on his face. This is the moment my wife walked in, saw the unit was on and said, “Does it feel good?”

Thats a good story honey.

Likely story! As if anyone is going to believe her story.

Mixed Signals

As I was stopped at a red light this afternoon I noticed a license plate frame of the vehicle that was parked in front of me that read “Live every day like it is your last.” The plate frame was on a Toyota Prius. You know the hybrid car that people buy to help save the icebergs so their grandchildren’s grandchildren can have ice in their frappuccinos. Isn’t that sending out a mixed message? Save the planet for future generations but, on the other hand, live like you are going to be dead by sunset. Isn’t that like adding a Krispy Kreme on the side of a Jenny Craig?

Without Prius drivers we all would be living in a Waterworld ruled by Kevin Costner.

Last winter I saw a car parked in the Wal-Mart parking lot that had a bumper sticker on it that said, “Your dollar is your vote. Boycott Wal-Mart.” So apparently this individual was casting their vote but it wasn’t for boycott. There comes a time in everyone’s life when things get tough and they need to ask themselves if they are going to stick to their conviction or, in this case, go to Wal-Mart. This person said to themselves, “There’s a sale on hemp purses and tie-dye dresses!” … and out went the conviction.

Which is it people? I have my application ready.

Over the years I have seen many cars zoom by me on the freeway so fast it parts my back hair only to see an ichthus (Christian Fish) on the back of the vehicle. This always annoys me especially since I am a Christian and I am not a fan of other Christians making us look bad. The Bible tells Christians to obey the laws that are placed over them and that includes the speed limit. These people put the ichthus on their vehicle to show everyone that they are followers of Jesus and then drive like man who’s Ex-Lax just kicked in and he needs desperately to find a clean toilet. Sadly this is one of the many reasons why people call Christians hypocrites.

The Men's Retreat needs to find a new location.

We all need to take a look at our actions and listen to our words and make sure they fit together. If you are saying one thing and doing another, people will look at the doing part.  Actions speak louder than words they say. Do your actions drown out your words?

The Unfortunate Task

Today I was reading through the Bible, as I often do, and came upon a passage in the book of I Samuel chapter 18. For those of you who are not familiar with the Bible, this passage talks about the famous King David before he became king but after he killed Goliath.

You remember David and Goliath right?

During this time there was another king named Saul who happens to feel threatened by David because God is on David’s side. I guess that would be as good a reason as any to feel threatened by someone. I once felt threatened by a guy because he had a better wave in his hair. Now look at me. Anyway, back to the story. Saul’s daughter, Michal (yes it’s a girl), fell in love with David and they wanted to get married. So Saul, not liking David gave him a rather daunting task that had to be completed in order to marry his daughter.

Saul replied, "Say to David, ‘The king wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins, to take revenge on his enemies.’” – I Samuel 18:25

I don't know why dried apricots popped into my mind.

Saul’s grand plan was to send David off to kill one hundred of the king’s enemies and get their foreskins as proof. Foreskins. Not swords, shields, teeth, bellybuttons… Foreskins. No wonder God was not on his side. I wouldn’t be on the side of the foreskin guy either. No one wants to be on the side of a guy with a collection of dried up foreskins. Again, back to the story.

This photo was taken when Saul told David to get the foreskins.

So David, being that over achiever that everyone hates to work with, gathes his band of merry men and rides off and gathers not one hundred but two hundred Philistine foreskins. But this isn’t the part I want to focus on today.

Today I would like to talk about the unspoken soldiers that were involved in this merry tale. They fall into two groups. The first group is that of David’s one thousand soldiers. Let’s put ourselves in the shoes of the average soldier when the commander gathers up the men only to explain that the goal for the day is to lay waste to the enemy camp. I can imagine the men were in high spirits and were elated with the chance to slay the enemy of their country. Then the commander continues on by telling them that once they kill the enemy they must take his foreskin. I just picture a whole lot of smiles turning to sheer horror. There must have been a lot of, “You want us to what?!?” and “I think I misheard him, why does he want us to take their hairpins?” or “Wow… I thought he said foreskin for a second. That would be gross huh?” That would have been a long march to the enemy camp. I don’t know if I would really want to kill any of the enemy. Maybe just wound them so they run off. That way I don’t have to collect any foreskins.

You want us to what?

Then we have the second, unmentioned, group of men in this story; The Philistine army that found their fallen comrades. Imagine the poor scouts that came across the 200 dead soldiers all missing their foreskins. “Hmmm, why are all the loincloths remov… oh the humanity! No, no, no, no, no, no, no…” I’m sure there was a point when one heard a woman screaming only to realize that the woman screaming was he. I’m sure after they emptied their stomach near the bodies they had to go back to the troops and notify the commander of what they had witnessed. That had to be a great moment trying to convince the leader that what they saw was real and not due to the hot desert sun baking their brain.

The permament expression of the scouting party.

What a horrible event to be a part of. Even to this day I think of how much King Saul must have really hated David to make him collect man parts from dead soldiers in order to let him marry his daughter. I know I had to collect fingernails from dead hobos around the greater Los Angeles area in order to marry my wife… but never man parts… that’s just gross.