My Air Conditioner Condition: Day 3

I have learned that I no longer fond of my children to sitting on my lap without an air conditioner. They walk up and sit down and immediately any place where there is contact starts get wet. I am hoping it is sweat as apposed to the alternative… wetting of pants. If the air conditioner does not get fixed soon I may end up paying quite a bit for therapy when the boys get older. I can hear it now, “Daddy never held me when I was little. He said I was too sweaty.”

My future children.

In the middle of the night I feel my wife’s leg move over and touch mine and I move away. Then she moves it again to touch mine… and the cycle continues until I am at the edge of the bed and the choice is that I let her heat producing leg touch mine or I lay on the floor with the dog. It wouldn’t be so dreadful but that woman is like a Bunsen burner when she sleeps. The dog was trouble the first night, but he was much better last night.

I don't know why this line never worked for me in college.

Sweat is coming from places I didn’t know could sweat. It is a very uncomfortable situation I must say. There is nothing like getting up for a drink and having your thighs make a squish-squish noise.

I have taken to just wearing shorts around the house as it is much too blistering for a shirt. The only difficulty comes when I sit on the couch all the dog’s hair sticks to my sweaty back and legs. I really need to train the dog not to sleep on the couch when we are gone.

Here is the neighbor boy after he saw me when I got off the couch.

When I walked out to get the mail the neighborhood children ran off crying. According to the police report there was mention of a half shaved Yeti.

My Air Conditioner Condition: Day 2

I can now relate to the Bedouin nomads who wandered the desert of the Arabian Peninsula and even the Tuareg tribes in the vast Sahara desert. I now understand the plight their people through the centuries as they endured in the scorching heat day after day desperately seeking shade and protection from the angry sun.

So far it is no where near as excruciating as the movie.

The heat is more than any one man should ever have to endure. I feel it in my bones. I am like the rich man in the Bible begging Abraham to send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool his tongue, for I am tormented by this heat.

This man says my house responsible for hundreds of glaciers melting.

Life without an air conditioner is not a pleasant experience, I have discovered. I recently looked at the thermostat and it read 85 degrees. The heat must have had effected the electronics inside of it for I know it is somewhere above 100 degrees inside my house. As I look across the room I can see the floor is waving due to the intense heat. I think I see a mirage somewhere off in the distance… down the hall.

I found this in my living room.  I hope it isn't my dog.

I have not seen my wife in hours. I believe she may be on the other side of the house, but the heat is preventing me from making the long journey. I pray for her safety and hope she took enough water to make it back to the living room.

I may need to send a camel looking for her down the hall.

We shall be reunited. Just stay alive, honey! I will find you! I will find you! Well… maybe when it gets cooler.

My Air Conditioner Condition: Day 1

I arrived home and walked into my humble abode and noticed that the candles on the end table were melting despite the fact that they were not lit. After a short period of investigation I concluded that it was a tad warm inside the house and I needed to bring out the air conditioner.

The first clue on the way to discovery.

After a few hours the air conditioner was set nicely in the window and I was sitting on the couch with an icepack on my back making notes of all the new gashes in the walls. As I sat there pondering why the unit ran so quietly this year I began to believe that it may not be working at all. After close inspection I discovered I was indeed correct.

My wife will never notice.  It will buff right out.

Once I realized the unit was no longer operational I did what any capable man would do, I sprang into action. Upon returning to the room with my box of tools I went to work. One would be amazed on difficult the manufacturers make air conditioners to take a part. Not being one who is easily defeated I forged ahead.

I shall forge ahead!  Unfortunately this guy will too.

With the help of my drill and hacksaw I was able to successfully remove the air conditioning cover, despite the many warning labels strategically placed to trick me into thinking I could not fix the unit myself, and look inside. After a few minutes of wiggling gears and circuits, tightening screws and banging on the side I closed up the unit cover with the help of duct tape. Surprisingly the cover did not fit as well as it used to. As I pushed the power button I was slightly taken aback that nothing happened.

Free babysitting.  There is nothing duct tape cannot do.

I sat on the couch starring at the unit as I knew it was looking back at me with a smug look on its vents. I could not take the mocking any longer so I did was any capable man would do… I left the room.