Anti-Baldites

As a follically challenged male I have often pondered the oppression of my people. We are mocked, laughed at and openly shunned from society.  Why God? Why?!  Why did you part my hair like the red sea?

Hollywood oppresses my people at every turn. I can use the fingers on one hand to count how many bald or balding movie stars there have ever been who were not playing a dying cancer patient. Now after saying that there are plenty of character actors (supporting actors) that have out grown their hair because Hollywood seems to think my people make great bumbling fools for the lead actor to make fun of. Ever notice the guy in the commercials that doesn’t know that Brand A is better than Brand B inevitably will have less hair than the smart guy who does know?

Pop Quiz: Guess which guy is the lead actor and which one is the goofy sidekick?

The female population is another oppressive organization, although they rarely admit it.  Look at the face of a woman immediately upon laying eyes on her balding blind date.  It is quite funny. Well, as long as you're not the balding blind date guy.  That guy will probably go cry himself to sleep as he holds a picture of Gerard Butler wondering why God cursed him.  I once had a girl I was on a date with interrupt me in mid sentence to say, “Wow! You’re really starting to get thin up there!” Her phone must have been broken after that because she never answered when I called.  She later married a man with full stalinesque hair who, within five years of getting married, proceeded to lose it all.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't laughing maniacally as I wrote this.

I often wonder how such a horrible man could have
such a lush garden of hair.

This understanding that men who have uncombable hair on their heads should somehow be ostracized from society is nothing new. I recently read in the Bible in the book of Leviticus where God explains to Moses “A man who has lost his hair and is bald is clean. If he has lost his hair from the front of his scalp and has a bald forehead, he is clean.” Basically God has to explain to the Israelites that a man who has lost his hair is not a leper and should not be sent out of the camp while everyone points at him yelling, “Unclean!” I wonder if this arose because someone in the camp pointed to the bald guy and said to Moses, “What about Merkowitz over there? If that contagious?” The final insult is that Moses sandwiches this passage in between instructions for leprosy and mildew. We are sooooo going to have a talk about this when I get to heaven Moses.

Way to go buddy.  No one will every know.

The people in the white coats tell me that the cause of baldness in males is testosterone (the “man hormone”). Essentially it converted to dihydrotestosterone (DHT) by an enzyme called 5-alpha reductase. DHT is a powerful sex hormone and a body and facial hair growth promoter that can adversely affect the prostate as well as the hair located on the head. Now you have a bald, extremely hairy sex machine that has trouble urinating. Eat your heart out ladies. Basically God made the Baldites so manly that their manliness pushes out their own hair on their head. 



I submit exhibit A.

My people pray for God to send a Moses-like figure to come out of the wilderness and deliver them from their suffering. I can see it now. A man in a leisure suit and sporting a comb over walks up to Tom Selleck, he has to be the leader of the follically gifted, stretches out his hands and yells, “Let my bald people go… to the barber and not have to pay full price!”  I mean come on we have less hair!  Why make us pay the same?!  We are a simple people.  We don’t ask for much.

My Air Conditioner Condition: Finale

There is moment in certain people’s lives when they see a miracle from God Himself and it changes their lives forever. For Moses it was the burning bush. For Saul it was the road to Emmaus. For me it was my living room for today I bought a new air conditioner. And when I say “I”… I mean “my wife.”  She is stronger than she looks.

My wife and I going to a Super Bowl party.  She is like a pack mule that one.

As I was wondering what all the extra parts were for after the installation I decided to turn the unit on. Immediately the cool air blew over my face I saw a bright light come from behind the air conditioner. Then a white dove descended down from heaven and landed on the air conditioner unit with an olive branch grasped delicately in its mouth and I heard a voice from heaven say, “It is good.”

Needless to say I was quite suprised.

I stood there in awe while the cool gentle wind blew through my hair (back hair of course… I’m bald) amazed at the wonder sign I had been shown. It seems like I have been waiting for months for this unit and finally it's here. It truly is a glorious occasion.

Of course I am not as excited as Hillary is.

Of course my wife tells a different story. She says the sun setting in the window behind the air conditioner blinded me when I opened the faux wood blinds and apparently while I was blinded my St. Bernard came up to investigate the cool breeze and had a small weed stuck to the drool on his face. This is the moment my wife walked in, saw the unit was on and said, “Does it feel good?”

Thats a good story honey.

Likely story! As if anyone is going to believe her story.