The Great Cheeseburger Incident of 2010

Over the past few months I have noticed a very subtle change in my lunches that my lovely wife packs for me to take to work. At first it was just adding a nonfat yogurt but then, later, my chips were replaced by an apple and later, after a month or so, my cookies were replaced by a nonfat pudding cup. Finally my white sandwich bread was switched with some kind of conglomerate of nuts and twigs mixed into what appeared to be bread dough. I think my wife is trying to relay a message to me but I’m not sure what it is.

Slather some peanut-butter and jelly on this bread and we're in business!

Shortly after my delicious lunch was replaced with a less than tasty substitute my darling wife tried to sneak “healthy alternatives” into my meals. Instead of bacon or sausage, a tasteless patty made of an unknown substance showed up on my plate. It was greasy like a sausage but had no flavor and was spongy like I had taken a bite out of a Nerf football. I cannot believe this sort of thing was approved by the FDA.

Did someone drop this on the ground and forget to wash it off?

One fine evening I sat down to dinner and found that the butter for my rolls had been replaced with butter flavored spray. What is the point of this? I had to spray my roll 37 times and it still did not resemble anything like butter. Finally I resorted to taking the cap off and pouring the yellow substance on my roll but this only resulted in a soggy mash of dough.

I can believe it isn't butter.  What I can't believe is why anyone would buy this.

The straw the broke the camel's back was the Great Cheeseburger Incident of 2010. As my family settled down for the evening I fired up the grill and prepared to grill up some burgers. My sweet wife handed me the meat that she had already formed into delicious over sized patties. This was very nice of her as she is afraid to handle raw meat apparently believing that salmonella will kill you instantly upon contact. This should have been my first clue that something was a rye.

I'll take mine with small fries.  Don't want to get fat.

As I prepared my cheeseburger with all the fixings and condiments a little drool was forming on the corner of my mouth. I picked up what was easily a half-pound of cheeseburger I took a huge bite and… now let me pause here for a moment and remind my audience that cheeseburgers are the greatest food ever made, as I have talked about before. I believe that God had the Israelites in the Old Testament sacrifice bulls so that the priests would have the meat to make cheeseburgers.

"Who wants cheese on their burger?"

Anyway, back to the story. As I bit into my cheeseburger I immediately noticed that either my taste buds had died or there was something horribly wrong with my burger. It tasted like someone had replaced my beef with feet. I quickly opened my mouth, allowed the atrocity to plop onto the plate in front of me and then turned my gaze upon my wife. “It’s extra lean buffalo meat!” she tried to explain.

Excuse me, what's inside that burger sir?

I stood up, extended my index finger towards my wife, looked up towards the heavens and exclaimed, “Blasphemer!” half expecting the woman on the opposite side of the table to be turned into a pillar of salt. In unison both my boys emptied the contents of their mouths onto the table.

"Blasphemer!"

After I instructed the mother of my children on the essential components of a perfect cheeseburger, none of which includes extra lean anything let along buffalo, I tried to dispose of the left over "burger" by putting it in my dog's bowl.  He sniffed it, whimpered and walked away.  I love that dog.  I am quite certain that the woman that lives under my roof now understands that there are many things that I can let slide... tampering with my cheeseburger is not one of them.

By the way... I'm still not sure what she was trying to tell me.  I'm sure it will come to me soon.

My Air Conditioner Condition: Day 3

I have learned that I no longer fond of my children to sitting on my lap without an air conditioner. They walk up and sit down and immediately any place where there is contact starts get wet. I am hoping it is sweat as apposed to the alternative… wetting of pants. If the air conditioner does not get fixed soon I may end up paying quite a bit for therapy when the boys get older. I can hear it now, “Daddy never held me when I was little. He said I was too sweaty.”

My future children.

In the middle of the night I feel my wife’s leg move over and touch mine and I move away. Then she moves it again to touch mine… and the cycle continues until I am at the edge of the bed and the choice is that I let her heat producing leg touch mine or I lay on the floor with the dog. It wouldn’t be so dreadful but that woman is like a Bunsen burner when she sleeps. The dog was trouble the first night, but he was much better last night.

I don't know why this line never worked for me in college.

Sweat is coming from places I didn’t know could sweat. It is a very uncomfortable situation I must say. There is nothing like getting up for a drink and having your thighs make a squish-squish noise.

I have taken to just wearing shorts around the house as it is much too blistering for a shirt. The only difficulty comes when I sit on the couch all the dog’s hair sticks to my sweaty back and legs. I really need to train the dog not to sleep on the couch when we are gone.

Here is the neighbor boy after he saw me when I got off the couch.

When I walked out to get the mail the neighborhood children ran off crying. According to the police report there was mention of a half shaved Yeti.