Saturday, July 24, 2010

The Pool Party I Don't Remember

Almost every person alive over the age of 21 has tasted alcohol. Some are responsible with the controversial substance and will drink in moderation while others have never heard of that concept and drink until they are French kissing the toilet. Let me tell you about the second, and last, time I was drunk… I was 4 years old. I will tell you the first occasion another time.

Ah, the good ol' days.

My parents had taken my brother and myself to their friend’s house for a summer barbeque. We always loved going over to their house because they had a pool and, as we all know, a pool is a kid magnet. I have many memories of that pool; unfortunately most of them involve me urinating in said pool.

As the afternoon turned to evening everyone started to migrate inside to digest and talk about disco, or what ever adults talked about in the 70s. I, on the other hand, decided to go back outside and look at the pool. Where were my parents here?!?

They had some great clothes back then.

While I was out admiring the pool and wondering why I was not in it, I apparently got thirsty. I say apparently because I do not remember any of this due to the whole being drunk thing. This is the moment where I noticed there were glasses partially filled with many varieties of alcohol left around the pool. Needless to say I got to work.

My brother and myself enjoying a few cold ones.

It was my brother that first noticed something was amiss with my behavior. My parents noticed him standing at the sliding glass door giggling while he watched me. What was I doing you may be asking? I was running around in circles naked until I fell over onto my back where I would watch the clouds. Then I would get back up and start the running in circles again. The cycle was interrupted by a group of adults huddling around me smelling my breath.

I was a lush back then.

Now a days I have matured enough where I do not drink alcohol to the point of excess. At the age of 4 you cannot expect me to have that kind of willpower. Of course my wife still gets upset at me when I run around naked in the back yard until I fall over and watch the clouds. She made me put up a fence.


Thursday, July 22, 2010

The Agreement

There is an unwritten rule between man and dog; man leaves the window down so that dogs can stick their heads out of it and in return dogs do not jump out. This has been the rule for decades, since man first put windows on cars. It is quite possible that Henry Ford, himself, bartered this agreement with the canines. Allow me to share with you a story about this rule.

The historic agreement was sealed with a pawshake.
Pictured above from left to right: Lassie, Henry Ford.

I received a coupon for a $19.99 grooming in the mail and decided to bring my St. Bernard down there to take advantage of this offer. As I picked up Boyd, my dog, I was informed that my dog was so big that I had to pay an extra $10 for the grooming. This is odd because I didn’t read anywhere in the fine print of the coupon that the $19.99 only applied to average size dogs. Anyway, back to the story.

The proper position for a dog traveling in a car.

Like a good owner I loaded up Boyd into the back seat of the car, rolled down the windows so he could enjoy the cool breeze and drove off down the long dirt road the groomer lived on. At approximately fifty feet from the groomer’s house Boyd jumped out of the window and rolled four times before coming to a stop.

I slammed on the breaks and jumped out of the car only to see the dog standing there covered in dirt with a look on his face that said, “Why would you roll the window down so I could jump out? Was this some kind of trick?”

Of course it could have been an act of rebellion.

Now, you can ask my wife, I’m a rather calm and laid back guy. I rarely get upset and I keep my cool when all others loose theirs (I do work at 911), but at this moment in time, as I stood there holding my dog’s ears… I lost it. “We have an agreement! A simple understanding between man and dog! I roll down the window and you don’t jump out! It’s a binding contract!” I went on for what seemed like fifteen minutes as car after car drove by. I paced back and forth lecturing him on the proper back seat conduct of a canine and how he broke the trust I had placed in him. Boyd, on the other hand, just sat in the road and watched me with his tongue hanging out.

Is he done yet?  I have to lick myself.

As I drove home, with the windows rolled up, I remember thinking, “My dog, apparently, did not attend the particular canine meeting where that rule was discussed.” There was a lot of grumbling.

For those of you wondering to yourself if the dog was harmed at all the answer is no. He did walk in circles for a few days but for the most part he’s fine.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

My Air Conditioner Condition: Finale

There is moment in certain people’s lives when they see a miracle from God Himself and it changes their lives forever. For Moses it was the burning bush. For Saul it was the road to Emmaus. For me it was my living room for today I bought a new air conditioner. And when I say “I”… I mean “my wife.”  She is stronger than she looks.

My wife and I going to a Super Bowl party.  She is like a pack mule that one.

As I was wondering what all the extra parts were for after the installation I decided to turn the unit on. Immediately the cool air blew over my face I saw a bright light come from behind the air conditioner. Then a white dove descended down from heaven and landed on the air conditioner unit with an olive branch grasped delicately in its mouth and I heard a voice from heaven say, “It is good.”

Needless to say I was quite suprised.

I stood there in awe while the cool gentle wind blew through my hair (back hair of course… I’m bald) amazed at the wonder sign I had been shown. It seems like I have been waiting for months for this unit and finally it's here. It truly is a glorious occasion.

Of course I am not as excited as Hillary is.

Of course my wife tells a different story. She says the sun setting in the window behind the air conditioner blinded me when I opened the faux wood blinds and apparently while I was blinded my St. Bernard came up to investigate the cool breeze and had a small weed stuck to the drool on his face. This is the moment my wife walked in, saw the unit was on and said, “Does it feel good?”

Thats a good story honey.

Likely story! As if anyone is going to believe her story.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

My Air Conditioner Condition: Day 5

As I arrived home yesterday from a hard days work, with my back still sore from lifting the giant air conditioner unit into the car earlier, my wife informed me that she decided not to take it to the repair man. She then explained to me that she only wanted me to load it up just in case she wanted to take it while I was at work. This was about the time my youngest child walked by and stripped over my jaw that had hit the ground.

My jaw dropped like the first time I saw uncle Lenard in his swim trunks.

There are many things I have learned over the years of being married. One of the more important bits of information is that woman have this things called “Woman Logic.” At first, to a man, this logic does not seem like logic at all. But to women it makes perfect sense.

Logic is a tricky thing to master.

To a man, one would only load up a large piece of machinery, for an example an air conditioner, if said piece of machinery was to go somewhere for an explicit reason. There is a purpose for the action.  That's logic. The machinery would never be moved unless there was a specific purpose for the movement. Action: Get off couch and stop watching the game. Reason: There is a fire… on the couch.  See?  Logic!

Ok, I'm just kidding.  I wouldn't move for that.

To a woman there does not have to be a need in order to move the large heavy object. The woman knows that she will be out and about during the day and there could be a chance where she gets lost and ends up at an air conditioner repair store so the woman feels the need to be prepared for just such an occasion.  It does not matter that there may only be a one in four hundred chance that she will be anywhere near the repair shop.  This is why the average women has more shoes than England has dentists... just in case.

"Luckily I have my feathers numbered for just such an occasion."

Tomorrow I’m going to load up our 200 pound St. Bernard into her car before I go to work just in case she wants to get him groomed.

He loves going for a drive.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

My Air Contitioning Condition: Day 4

The day had arrived for me to finally take out the air conditioner from the window and place it in the trunk of my wife’s Honda Accord as she will be taking it to the repair shop. I planned my pathway by arranging the furniture and opening the front door as my wife opened up the trunk of her vehicle. This, as it would appear, did not make much of a difference.

This tripping hazard sign is FABULOUS!

As soon as I lifted up the unit, that quite possibly weighs as much as a small import car, I quickly found my dog trying desperately to investigate the situation. As I was kicking him away I dropped the cord and stepped on it only adding to the weight of the unit and throwing off my equilibrium. I made it to the front door and down the walkway to the car all the way trying to make a mental note to fix the new dents in the walls. This was particularly disappointing as I just repaired the holes from moving the unit into the house only days before.

I challenge anyone to find where the hole is.

As I stood holding the behemoth I noticed that my wife had opened the trunk but did not clean it out at all. Forced to rest the air conditioning unit on the edge of the trunk, balanced by my leg and one hand, I unloaded the entire trunk with one hand. Thanks honey!

Sure, it fits right there between the Doritos and the farm fresh eggs.

I closed the trunk of the car and returned inside the house. I advised my wife that if the repairman inquires about the condition of the unit she should admit to him she tried to fix it to no avail. As she gave me a blank stare I was forced to remind her that casting blame will not fix the unit. We need to focus on the future, not the past.

My wife is a gentle, delicate rose.

I quickly left for work.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

My Air Conditioner Condition: Day 3

I have learned that I no longer fond of my children to sitting on my lap without an air conditioner. They walk up and sit down and immediately any place where there is contact starts get wet. I am hoping it is sweat as apposed to the alternative… wetting of pants. If the air conditioner does not get fixed soon I may end up paying quite a bit for therapy when the boys get older. I can hear it now, “Daddy never held me when I was little. He said I was too sweaty.”

My future children.

In the middle of the night I feel my wife’s leg move over and touch mine and I move away. Then she moves it again to touch mine… and the cycle continues until I am at the edge of the bed and the choice is that I let her heat producing leg touch mine or I lay on the floor with the dog. It wouldn’t be so dreadful but that woman is like a Bunsen burner when she sleeps. The dog was trouble the first night, but he was much better last night.

I don't know why this line never worked for me in college.

Sweat is coming from places I didn’t know could sweat. It is a very uncomfortable situation I must say. There is nothing like getting up for a drink and having your thighs make a squish-squish noise.

I have taken to just wearing shorts around the house as it is much too blistering for a shirt. The only difficulty comes when I sit on the couch all the dog’s hair sticks to my sweaty back and legs. I really need to train the dog not to sleep on the couch when we are gone.

Here is the neighbor boy after he saw me when I got off the couch.

When I walked out to get the mail the neighborhood children ran off crying. According to the police report there was mention of a half shaved Yeti.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

My Air Conditioner Condition: Day 2

I can now relate to the Bedouin nomads who wandered the desert of the Arabian Peninsula and even the Tuareg tribes in the vast Sahara desert. I now understand the plight their people through the centuries as they endured in the scorching heat day after day desperately seeking shade and protection from the angry sun.

So far it is no where near as excruciating as the movie.

The heat is more than any one man should ever have to endure. I feel it in my bones. I am like the rich man in the Bible begging Abraham to send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool his tongue, for I am tormented by this heat.

This man says my house responsible for hundreds of glaciers melting.

Life without an air conditioner is not a pleasant experience, I have discovered. I recently looked at the thermostat and it read 85 degrees. The heat must have had effected the electronics inside of it for I know it is somewhere above 100 degrees inside my house. As I look across the room I can see the floor is waving due to the intense heat. I think I see a mirage somewhere off in the distance… down the hall.

I found this in my living room.  I hope it isn't my dog.

I have not seen my wife in hours. I believe she may be on the other side of the house, but the heat is preventing me from making the long journey. I pray for her safety and hope she took enough water to make it back to the living room.

I may need to send a camel looking for her down the hall.

We shall be reunited. Just stay alive, honey! I will find you! I will find you! Well… maybe when it gets cooler.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

My Air Conditioner Condition: Day 1

I arrived home and walked into my humble abode and noticed that the candles on the end table were melting despite the fact that they were not lit. After a short period of investigation I concluded that it was a tad warm inside the house and I needed to bring out the air conditioner.

The first clue on the way to discovery.

After a few hours the air conditioner was set nicely in the window and I was sitting on the couch with an icepack on my back making notes of all the new gashes in the walls. As I sat there pondering why the unit ran so quietly this year I began to believe that it may not be working at all. After close inspection I discovered I was indeed correct.

My wife will never notice.  It will buff right out.

Once I realized the unit was no longer operational I did what any capable man would do, I sprang into action. Upon returning to the room with my box of tools I went to work. One would be amazed on difficult the manufacturers make air conditioners to take a part. Not being one who is easily defeated I forged ahead.

I shall forge ahead!  Unfortunately this guy will too.

With the help of my drill and hacksaw I was able to successfully remove the air conditioning cover, despite the many warning labels strategically placed to trick me into thinking I could not fix the unit myself, and look inside. After a few minutes of wiggling gears and circuits, tightening screws and banging on the side I closed up the unit cover with the help of duct tape. Surprisingly the cover did not fit as well as it used to. As I pushed the power button I was slightly taken aback that nothing happened.

Free babysitting.  There is nothing duct tape cannot do.

I sat on the couch starring at the unit as I knew it was looking back at me with a smug look on its vents. I could not take the mocking any longer so I did was any capable man would do… I left the room.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Happy 4th of July

So Cletus, a drunken imbecile, tries to impress his common law wife in a futile attempt to blow a 44oz beer can into the air with an M80 and ends up sending three fingers further into the air than the can. This is what I like to call “putting chlorine into the gene pool.” If a person is not smart enough to be responsible with something like fireworks and gets hurt then it is their own fault? Raise your nub if you disagree.

Hey ma! Come over here and watch me light this!

I am a firm believer that society should not craft laws restricting an entire population from a certain form of entertainment because a few people are not smart enough to keep their noses attached to their faces. The city I work in does not allow any firework at all. Not even sparklers… because apparently too many people have sparkled themselves to death.

Look at all the fun that isn't happening in Spokane, WA.

Even when I was a young pip I knew the dangers of using these things. We would light off firecrackers with the neighborhood kids and we all knew if you held the firecracker in your hands and lit it before you tossed it, you ran the risk of missing fingers. Of course that didn’t stop my brother from doing it.

See, my brother and I were very responsible.

I have to admit that the laws do cut down on firework related injuries dramatically, mostly due to the fact that ignoramuses are not allowed to play with them. That being said I think people should have the choice to use them or not. If they get hurt… well that’s the risk you take when playing with a small explosive device while standing on your head while drinking out of a beer bong.

Don't give this girl fireworks.