Saturday, September 11, 2010

It's a Crying Shame

Whether it is snakes, carnies or even old people, everyone has something in life that gives them the hebegebes. We have a janitor that works in our building that is terrified of spiders. He made me squish a spider that was standing between him and the bathroom he wanted to clean one night. I’m pretty sure he had been standing there waiting for someone to save him for at least 10 minutes. Well as for me I have a few things that freak me out but the one I will discuss today is tears.

That's an eye full of nasty right there.
Yes, you read correctly… tears. Tears are one of the most disgusting things that come out of our bodies. Let me explain. Urine is primarily made up of water but the next most prevalent ingredient is urea. That potent smell of urine, for those of you who do not drink enough water, is caused by the asphyxiating ammonia that is produced by the breaking down of urea. Guess what is in tears. Yep, urea. So basically every time you cry you are peeing on your face.

"Did you just pee on your own face?!?"
This has become an issue over the years with my wife as she is on the emotional side of the scale and I am on the logical side. My wife’s side involves a lot of tears. Tears at the weddings, sad stories, disagreements, movies, television… she has cried at a movie preview more than once. The worst part about the tears is when they run down her face and gets close to her mouth her tongue slowly makes an appearance and captures the tear as it passes by like some kind of reptile licking her eyeballs to keep them moist. My look of disgust, of course, does nothing to help the situation either.

Wait, let me get that tear. Yummy.
On more than one occasion I have had a crying son come running up to me to be comforted only to be stopped at arm’s length as I get a blanket, towel, pillow or whatever is near by to soak up the urine coming out of their eyes. I do believe this may create some sort of bonding issue for the boys that will need to be sorted out with thousands of dollars of counseling in the years to come.

Not even with a ten foot pole.
One of the most memorable moments in anyone’s life is the moment they get engaged. I have to admit that for me it was also the most memorable moments as well, but for an entirely different reason. You see I drove my then girlfriend up the California coast from the greater Los Angeles area to San Francisco to visit my aunt and uncle that lived there. On the way up I made sure and plan our arrival to Pebble Beach (Carmel, CA) just as the sun was setting. Everything was planned out for a wonderful scene on the beach except the fact that it was Sea Lion mating season and from the sounds of it there was going to be a lot of births in a few months.

This is where we got engaged... taken just before "the incident."
Just as the sun set I turned to my lovely girlfriend, got down on one knee and pulled out the ring. Of course she didn’t notice I was down there in front of her so I had to nudge her with the ring box to get her attention. After I popped the question and she said yes she grabbed by face as I was kneeling down and bent over to kiss me. All I remember is… you guessed it… tears dripping on my face. Basically she peed on my face. It was by far one of the most disgusting moments in my life.

"She did what?"
To this day I have no idea how she ended up marrying me.  She puts up with my oddities, that's for sure.  I am the luckiest man alive.  Well... until she cries.